Environmental Confidence?

Environmental Confidence?? What the heck does that mean?

It means that we, as humans, are strongly affected by our environment, the context and situation we are in at the time can have a giant impact on our level of confidence.

In some sense, that idea should be obvious - our feelings are going to be different when we're lying on a beach on vacation than when we're stuck in terrible traffic and in a hurry, right?

Now, I'm a big proponent of "being in the driver's seat" as a metaphor for taking control of our own feelings, rather than being like a leaf at the mercy of the wind and letting our state of being be controlled by what's happening around us. I say, DECIDE to have more good days, and you will. If you let having a good or bad day be decided by everyone and everything else around you, then you are in the passenger seat, right?

At the same time, let's not rule out the power of situation and context - the environment we are in. Let's see how we can use context as leverage, to our advantage. Pay attention to which situations and contexts you feel more or less confident. What's different about those contexts? How specifically does one situation "make you" feel more confident than another?

Pay close attention to that and discover what exactly makes the difference in each situation and context. Try this game: transfer that feeling of confidence over to a situation where you usually feel less confident. Imagine that you can take all the confidence you feel in one situation, and bring it over to the other context. It may not work 100% right away on the first try - play with it a bit and see what kind of difference you notice.

Understanding Does NOT Cause Change

No matter how you slice it, think about it, talk about it or feel about it, the reality is that what you DON'T need in order to be more confident is some 'new understanding'.

I can tell you until I'm blue in the face that you have absolutely NO reason to have fear of rejection around women - and, you'd likely agree with me - "David, you're right - I already know my fear is totally irrational, but when I see a woman I want to meet I freeze up...".

The problem is a gut-level reaction. Understandings exist in your head. When you feel a gut-level fear-reaction, that will override anything your head says. Have you ever just approached a woman even though you felt intense shyness or fear of rejection?- if you have, then you probably just grit your teeth, and did it - but it was difficult, right?

Understanding will never cause that gut-level fear response to change.

Don't worry about what to say

After approaching a woman, guys always want to know what to say after "hi".

You know what? - It doesn't matter.

Seriously.

What matters is HOW you say it. Your face, voice and posture is going to say much more than the words you speak. Guys who wonder what to say are just creating scenarios in their head about what might happen if they go up to a woman, and in that scenario, they see themselves as tongue-tied or with a blank mind... And that's much of the problem.

"Half of this game is 90% mental" -Yogi Berra

How true, how true...

How Would You Know??

This forum is for guys who want to have more confidence with women, to be able to approach and meet any woman you want, anywhere and anytime you want - but how would you know if you had more confidence, or had the kind of confidence you want, or even the kind you long and dream for?

But ask most guys how they'd know if they had more confidence, and they tell you what they WON'T or DON'T WANT TO experience - they say things like: "I DON'T want to feel nervous when I see a woman I want to meet".

Yes, but how DO you want to feel instead? It's a crucial distinction - knowing what you DON'T WANT is not the same as knowing what you DO want... Saying "I don't want fish for dinner" is NOT the same as "I want steak for dinner".

The first real step in having more confidence around women is to decide how you DO want to feel when you see a woman you want to meet, not how you don't want to feel.

Higher Levels of Overall Confidence

Confidence is a feeling or measure of your level of certainty about your identity or ability - a sense of being sure about who you are or something you can do.

Like all feelings, your level of confidence can fluctuate and change over time - like the rising and falling of the tides. No one feels exactly the same way all the time, all day every day. Your confidence can rise and fall over time, just like the tides.

However, you CAN elevate your overall levels of confidence to a HIGHER range of fluctuation. That means you can make it so that even the lowest level of your confidence can be higher than what USED TO BE your highest level of confidence.

Surprising Shy Guys

It's not just the computer geeks or wall flowers that find it hard to walk up and introduce themselves to a woman they want to meet.

Commandos and Martial Arts Masters do too. Even many "macho" guys who are not afraid to go into battle or enter the fighting ring will quake in their boots and shake in their black belts when confronted with having to cross the room and approach a woman they've never met before.

That might come as a surprise to you - surely those macho guys can't be afraid of "some girl", right? Not always. For many guys it's A LOT easier to risk their life or safety than to risk bruising their ego... after all, physical wounds will eventually heal and go away, but those mental/emotional scars can last a lifetime!

Podcast: The Difference That Makes THE Difference

Many professional counselors and coaches use the terms 'self-confidence' and 'self-esteem' as if they mean the same thing, but the difference can be critical...

Podcast: Welcome to the Confidence 101 Podcast Series

This is the start of the Confidence 101 Podcast Series, welcome!
Click on the title above to tune in.

Social Isolation

What??- ME?--socially isolated??

Yesterday I was interviewed by a reporter with a large newspaper who is doing a story on recent studies out of University of Arizona, Harvard & Duke U. showing that people are becoming more socially isolated due to the modern "digital lifestyle".

Studies show that we may have tons of friends on "myspace" and many people we email or phone or even hang out with, but that we have fewer and fewer close friends and confidants we can turn to when the going gets rough.

The studies show that social isolation poses as big a risk for premature death as smoking. You may scoff at that now, but this is serious. Guys in particular are at the biggest risk because we tend to spend more time online and playing video and online games and in much higher numbers than women.

Put together more pieces of the puzzle - such as the facts that women outlive men in general, and that single men die an average of 7 years earlier than men who have partners - and a clear picture begins to form: we need women in our lives to be healthier and live longer!

How do you know if you're socially isolating? How many true close confidants do you have that you can count on if the going gets rough? How many hours a week do you spend isolated with TV, going online or playing computer games? Do you turn down social invitations specifically because you want to do isolated activities?

While the above factors are just guidelines, the reality is you need to get out there. If you don't already have my free special report "The Best Places to Meet Women" - get it now and use it.

Your life just may depend on making sure you have social skills now that you can use for the rest of your - hopefully long - life.

Nature vs. Nurture

Is your level of confidence determined by your genes, or is it a result of your upbringing and environment?

Coherent, intelligent arguments have been made for either side.

Let's look at this from both extremes and see where that leads us:

Presume for a moment that ALL that we are as humans is predetermined by our family inheritance via our genes; if that's true then that means we have no real choice or options in how we are - it's already predetermined and there's not a darn thing you or I can do about it.

On the other hand, presume for a moment that who we are is NOT predetermined and that our present-day attitudes, behaviors, values and beliefs CAN be changed or updated or adapted to fit better with who we are today or want to be tomorrow: if that's true, then that means we have choices and options, we can change ourselves to suit our desires.

Granted, that little mind-experiment we just did was looking from the extremes - perhaps our level of confidence is the result of a mix of nature and nurture - but take a look again at the choices above: which give you more power, more flexibility, more choice? Which empowers you more? Which approach gives you the ability to have more confidence, should you so desire?

The Difference That Makes THE Difference

Is there a critical difference between confidence and self-esteem?

YOU BET there is! It's a VERY important difference, but most people and even many professional counselors and 'confidence coaches' use the two terms interchangeably.

Why is the difference so important? Because it can mean the difference between wasting A LOT of time (and maybe money) 'barking up the wrong tree'. Confidence and self-esteem CAN affect each other, but they are 2 very different animals!

In reality, self-esteem is a measure of how much you like yourself. Confidence is a measure of certainty in your identity or ability. So, if you're a guy and what's stopping you from being able to approach women you want to meet is that you just don't like yourself very much, then you need more self-esteem. But if you like yourself okay and you still can't find the courage to approach women then you definitely need more confidence.

Love Potion #9?

Did you know that confidence like a "love potion" to women?

I'm sure you've seen this guy before: he's not great-looking, he's not rich, he's not an actor or musician. As far as you know he's usually 'between jobs'.

And he's with a woman with knockout good-looks... and you're wondering what the heck she sees in that guy... what does HE have that YOU don't have?

He's got the love potion. No, not pheromones, the CONFIDENCE love potion. Women find confidence wildly attractive. Women want a confident man, it's rooted in their nature.

Ask any woman what are the top 10 most important criteria in a man, and 99% of the time confidence will be in the top 5.

Buy WHY is that true? Exactly WHY do women find a confident man attractive even if he's not rich or good-looking?

Opening topics

Welcome to the ConfidenceNow CONFIDENCE 101 Blog.

I am your host, David Portney. Who is this blog for?

Guys who want to get rid of shyness and fear of rejection around women. Guys who want to get rid of the "junk" stopping you from approaching women.

Guys who want to be able to comfortably & confidently meet women whenever & wherever they want.

Warning: this is a "NO BS" zone - no 'commercials', lame whining, or mis-information will be allowed - we'll keep it to good-quality stuff only.

I encourage you and invite you to send in your questions and your suggested topics.

Stay tuned!
David